again

u guyz must be bored sy slalu wat post sedey2 je kn. well, juz bear with me k.as much as i like to post a 'happy' one,  i'm not done being sad yet.

we can't expect sume org nk phm kite. what seems best for them, may not seems best utk kite. yes, we can only guess. bcoz we can never know apa yg truly terbaik utk kite, only HE knows. kata2 kak umol make sense "ade something missing dlm diri teha ni" & i still haven't figured out what that may be.

everytime kata nk berubah, mesti blk pd perangai lama. berubah pn skejap2 je. nk kata xda kesedaran. hey, i'm well aware of the consequences of my action. don't u think i know? & having being told repeatedly about the right things that u should do (which u already know) can be a little... u know...

sigh~

there's nothing wrong with you, its me.

as cliche as it sounds, u know its true.

follow ur heart, but take your brain with you (note 2 self)

benci

benci. diri.sendiri.

mende2 yg t'buku yg br skrng berani kluarkn

assalamualaikum

x penah start entry dgn salam kn? tbe2 teringat nk start with one.

hmm, lama x b'blog. baru je lps exam bio. x lps jgk. tp xpe, slh sendiri. tbe2 ade semangat baru nk studi btol2 bg lps. x, bkn sekadar nk pass je, tp nk buat yg terbaik.
semangat? buat yg terbaik? honestly, these words have been so asing to me since.... entahla, x ingat. time btol2 punya, like really2 semangat & struggle gle2 adalah time spm. masa kt kmb & even now kt czech, studi gitu2 je. not 2 say that i didn't put any effort ms kt kmb & czech, its juz dat my effort 2 sgtla sket compare 2 rezeki yg allah bg. truthfully, x sangka pn bole fly. truthfully x sangka pn bole lps ib (+ masalah TOK). truthfully x sangka pn bole survive smpai skang. the thought of giving up 2 dtg countless time. x sanggup rasenya nk hadapi exam yg x setel2 lg ni. rindu yg t'amat sgt kt rumah kt malaysia. slalu wonder, mara kasi tukar course x? pastu belek2 surat offer mara. mmg x blh. giving up medik meaning kena byr blk sume. byr blk bkn sj menyusahkn parents, tp penjamin pn akan dikejar kn? da la dorg xde kena mengena. then i realise giving up wasn't so easy after all. sapa kata give up 2 senang? bkn 2 je, mana nk ltk muka kalo kwn2 famili lain sume taw. hu3. nk xnk, t'paksa paksa diri utk teruskn. i know ,sound so pathetic kn? hu3. tp skang sket demi sket sy sdg cuba btolkn niat. kak umol, serta kwn2 & x lupe famili byk membantu dlm proses regaining my semangat. terima kasih ya allah 4 giving much more than i deserve.:')

slalu sedar that i'm so blessed 2 have such great people around me. people with admirable iman, great akhlak and yg plg memberi kesan is their warm support. their support, yesss.. (juz thinkin about it buat sy rase sgt t'haru) although sometimes i didn't reply ur msj or wallpost fb or skype or ym. pliz know that i'm so touched. pliz know that sy syg sgt kt kwn2 sume & famili. at first, i thought i didnt want 2 dissappoint the people i love with unending bad news. dat's why i kept "ignoring" questions regarding my exams. lately, sy slalu lari dr masalah instead of facing it. bcoz facing it seems to hard & running seems so easy. tp lari punya lari , masalah x ilang, it will still follow u & end up getting bigger. but then, i realised that, bknnye sbb i didn't want 2 dissappoint them, tp sebab nk jaga hati sendiri. xnk hati rasa sakit ble jawab "x lps". xnk rasa malu sbb x lps. xnk dianggap bodoh sbb x lps. xnk dianggap x cukup b'usaha. xnk dianggap mls. seee, ego btol. kononnya sbb xmau bg jwpn yg mengecewakn, tp sebenanya sbb i didn't wanna hurt my pride.

then, i got used 2 'running'. lari dr g exam sbb taw x cukup studi, lari dr jmpe org sbb takot dorg tanya psl exam, lari dr angkat kol/reply msj, basically lari dr masalah. in all that running, taw je the following consequences, aware je masalah akan jd lebey bsr, tp still mcm 2 gak. ha3. mmg terok. 

ntah mcm mana ari ni allah kasi kekuatan utk b'dpn dgn org. & it wasn't that bad after all. slama ni dok takot, kept protecting that useless pride from being hurt. although rase malu 2 still ade ble jwb "x lps", tp the "remedy" afterwards is much sweeter. kata2 support 2 sgt la touching...

i will try not 2 run anymore & FACE my problems. kena semangat & buat yg terbaik. insyaallah. semoga allah beri aku kekuatan. amin..

btw, i think i know why my english makin terok, sbb terlalu concious about it. b4 dis, tulis dgn yakin je pe yg t'lintas which kadang2 dlm english without thinking about the grammar. skang tulis english sket, check grammar. ntah, psl t'lebey b'hati2 rs cm english mkn terabor. ha3. tbe2 rase nk baca buku english, bg confident blk with my english. coz skrg gile korea, lagu & cite english da x lyn da.

ye, ini mmg sesi meluahkn perasaan. certain org, die privatekn blog kalo meluahkn perasaan. certain org (like me) x privatekn. well everybody have their own reason, lgpn my blog segelintir org je yg taw & sy segan kdg2 nk btaw my true feelings & if they wanna know about it they can find out about it here. ;p k, out. peace.

no more

DAH2! XNK DA DOWN2

skang, da xde masa nk layan rasa sedih asyik x pass test sume.
xde masa da nk pk psl kegagalan yg dtg x henti2.

take others success sbg motivasi
bkn utk dicomparekn dgn diri, then pk how much u sucks in those endless attempts nk even pass pn, apatah lg nk dpt decent marks

ENOUGH ALREADY!
valuable times r already wasted with those tears & overly-excessive-slumber (dlm attempt nk 4get everything)

pk mcm2 time dok sorg2 dlm blk. lots.
but i'm not gonna write it here, coz ur not gonna believe it anyway.

xnk lg dianggap lemah & insecure
tired of it already

i want 2 be strong

none of these. i mean it

=')

yeah! 

ye, sy layan tumblr. feeling abes kottt. not that i have one of my own. i juz copy & save from other's. teeheee
ok, smbg studi. fuhhh*tiup tudung(lntakla kalo xde kaitan ponnn)

p/s: pliz dun mind my english yg mkn terabor, it juz comes naturally & sy mls nk pk lame2 semata2 nk btolkn grammar. peace ;)

i know sorry is not enough

sometimes, i wish i can be invincible

so that, i could stop hurting the people around me

so that, i could stop letting them down

i know i did

that is like my ultimate wish right now

really am

am trying =) (hey, atleast ade gak mende positif kt sini)

yeah, i do think 2 much sometimes

dont remeber the last time i  like me

there's more where this came from.but this is it 4 now.

p/s : i think my english is getting worse

dang

oh crap. i'm not a man of my word. eh, woman or girl of my word? sounds weird. ah, whatever. =_=

rasa itu hilang lg.
oh god, xnk mende 2 berulang lg. i've been through this over n over again.
like OVER & OVER AGAIN! (huruf bsr melambangkn kesungguhan)
but still???

i wish, hati ni blh dipaksa. seryesly.

i want dat feeling back. dat will. dat determination. where'd u go?

old habits do die hard. *sigh

p/s: i want 2 post something happy as i mentioned b4. i do,but who am i kidding

rindu berada di jlnnye

"arina, kte da ready"

took me quite a long time 2 say that. namun, sy msh & sgt b'syukur allah telah mengetuk pintu hatiku utk menyahut seruan jihadnya (semula). selama ni, diri ni sdr je.. akan kewajipan sh (shahadatul haq) & akan perlunya mengucapkn 'sayonara jahiliyyah". jujur ku katakn sh & sj merupakn antara 'penyebab' sy lari. lari?? ye, sy lari. sbb sy XNK meninggalkn jahilliyyah. hu3. but u see, the worst part is, i still commit those jahilliyyah, eventhough I KNOW. terok gile kn? but still, hati msh enggan meninggalkn jahiliyyah, coz ianya seronok. bak kata member, dosa mane x seronok? heh. but, seronok 2 sekejap je. coz later, akan rase b'slh & when u r doing it, u don't want others 2 know, u hide it. hati x tenteram. mmg sah2, terang lg b'suluh, perasaan2 adalah tanda2 wat dosa. hu3.even smpai 1 thp yg i think i was worse than b4 i had tarbiyyah. hu3. & it keeps haunting me, that i have been better in terms of my iman, my amal,  & even my study. what could be worse than berubah m'jd lebih teruk dr yg baik, instead of from teruk kpd baik. but still, knowing all of this, sy masih begitu. instead of facing my problems,i run from it. mls nk fikir. hu3.i keep all of this 2 myself.x cite pn kt sape2. & part of me know why. bcoz i know people will give me some solution, tp  takot sy yg xnk wat solusi 2. ha3. (bole gelak plak =_=)

dulu ms dpt 'sume' ni di kmb, x dinafikn pd mulanye begitu merasakn indahnye islam. namun, lama kelamaan, setelah diamanahkn dgn tanggungjwb, hati mula ragu2, mula lelah.. syaitan mula m'bisikkn.. pelbagai rase yg timbul... penat, insecure, inferior. even p'soalan spt, layak ke aku nk menyampaikn? mampu ke nk smpaikn pd famili? smpai ade thp takut nk blk ke rumah. takut x thn dugaan, takut memilih famili instead of allah. 

dlm masa yg sama, godaan2 dunia makin menarik2ku ke arah jahilliyyah. jahiliiyyah? pe 2? simple, ia adalah  anything selain islam. t'ingat kata2 roomate, ape2 yg kite buat, biarlah dpt m'dktkn diri dgn allah. yeah, maybe 2 some people, ayat ini biasa didengar. even 4 me, da penah dgr da b4 dis, bezanye samada meninggalkn kesan di hati ataupn x. & i was lucky enough 2 be given dat feeling (again)

p/s: housemate slovek psg lagu kuat gle mcm kt disco, sbr je la. time2 kite xnk dgr da sume 2. =_=

bila difikir2 blk, sy x la minat sgt dgn lagu2 lagha ni dlu. yeah, t'pengaruh dgn sekeliling. xnk rase ketinggalan, not-up-2-date dgn lagu2 t'baru. even movie2 pn, hidup je x tgk dlm seminggu bahkn nk dkt sethn ms dok kt mrsm. now i know, sebab sy bole blaja dgn khusyuk & tenang time spm dulu. coz sy jauh dr jahiliyyah2 ni. sigh~

of course, i am not expecting this road 2 be easy. at times, ade je tendency utk kembali pd jahiliyyah2 tu. kena MUJAHADAH! also, masa 2 la pentingnya support sistem. & again i am blessed enough 2 have it here, di mana sy dikelilingi oleh rakan2 yg saling mengingati ke arah kebaikn. also, bzkn diri by doing something relating 2 islam & allah. bykkn amal2 sunat mcm solat duha & tahajjud, bace quran & ma'thurat, reading islamic blog & sites. dgr lagu islamic also helps. all of this can really help in boosting ur iman. insyaallah. =)

now, when i look back. meninggalkn jahiliyyah ni bknlah p'kara mustahil. (as i used 2 think). coz, once we really want allah's blessing more than anything, everything else seems meaningless. i am proud 2 say that, i am no longer interested pd perkara yg x b'kaitan dgn islam & allah. this time i really mean it & i really hope perasaan ini akan kekal. aminnnnnn..

i am now really happy, at peace. suatu perasaan yg amat ku rindui. =')