yes, bile nk balik? famili tanya... maybe kawan pn, cuma some x luahkn.. (tapi 2 cuma agakan saya, how in the world would i know about what's in peoples heart). ade yang soh stay smpai igames, u know creating more memories. :) mcm mana nak balik ni, u guyz sangat2 la sweet.
"kalau da x boleh sambung kat situ kenape x balik lagi?"
hmm, tapi memang x dinafikan hari2ku di sini terasa sangat kosong. kawan sume pegi blaja, & what do i do? tengok laptop je memanjang, mcm bangkai bernyawa. well, not exactly, tapi xtaw nk guna ayat mcm mana lg da. yang senasib atleast die dapat keje, ade yang da balik boleh jumpa famili & plan masa depan sume. me? bangun pun nk dekat tengahari, dok atas katil sepanjang hari menghadap laptop & menternak lemak. tuhan je tahu betapa losernya i think i am.
by this time people would expect me to be ok da kan, and honestly i thought that i will too. but still, akal dan hati x selari. i know i should be able to face people if i met them on the streets by now. but still, rasa xnk jumpa orang tu still ada. why? for the obvious reasons. malu, insecure, inferior, mana nk letak muka. although u know u shouldn't have negative thoughts, but u still have them. kadang2 wonder, am i in denial?
clearly everything that happened is my fault. i'm so messed up. even more messed up dari time masalah TOK aritu. but this time i didn't put on any show(by show i mean, locking urself up for 3 days, x mandi x mkn & that made my parents worried sick), bcoz i know better & kena jaga jugak hati kawan which x bersalah langsung, tapi saya yang bersalah gile2 kat diorang. but this time sangat2 la lain dari time masalah TOK tu. the only reason i'm locking myself up for those 3 days was because my dad didn't believe me.
long story short, masa problem TOK ari tu yang membuatkan saya sangat sedih sebab my dad didn't believe me (but not for long). but now yang membuatkan saya sangat sedih sebab my dad believed in me even when i didn't give my all. so tell me, how am i suppose to face him? how am i suppose to face the rest of the world, and tell them i wasn't the victim but instead i was the one who messed it all up.
ye, sape nk sayang kite kalau kite tak sayang diri sendiri. i know. but how can i possibly love myself when all i do is disappoint the people i love. the people who trusted me. sekarang, trust is a very meaningful word for me. dulu, TAHU je maksud nya, tapi sekarang baru RASA betapa mendalamnya the word "trust" tu. because i know how painful it felt when people who should trust you, dont trust you & because i know how unbearable it felt when people trusted you but you didn't deserve that trust.
true indeed :)
maybe hiperbola sket, tp ade betolnye
sometimes
real sweet
awww~ (gosok2 mata, ada habuk)
i will, insyaallah
or maybe i couldn't express myself well at certain times
my own "comfort zone"
everything happen 4 a reason (needs to constantly remind myself)
this blog is juz tempat meluah rasa, and x taw nape most of them are sad ones. but please know, that this doesn't mean that i'm depressed all the time, i do have my share of fun. lots of them. but, maybe i prefer to express my sadness by writing instead of telling people, and i prefer MAKING happy memories instead of writing one. i guess all the happy things da spent kat my family & friends. thank you, love :)
